Comments From Todays Youth

In case anyone hasn't noticed (such as you've been stuck in an ice shanty in the middle of the canadian wilderness playing cards with a polar bear, an elk, and a musk ox, and losing miserably thus having to give them all raisinets), there is an election in the works in our fine country. On one side, we have Heinz, makers of fine quality ketchup, catsup, and 57 other flavors or some such crap. On the other side, we have a cowboy; riding, roping, bull-punching, branding, etc. I'm not entirely certain how any American could choose between two things so deeply imbedded into our heritage. If Heinz loses, what will we put on our hot dogs, on our hamburgers, dip our steaks in... it would be the end of the barbecue and for that matter, tailgating as we know it. Football would become meaningless, and the NFL would file for chapter 11, because without the festivities that precede it, no one would want to see a bunch of 300 pound grown men destroy what few brain cells they have left by knocking each other senseless play after play for somewhere around 3 hours; and getting paid 20 million bucks a year to do it. On the other hand, what if the cowboy loses? who would round up the hundreds of thousands of cud chewing beasts to burn little emblems into their soft flesh and slaughter them for their hot dogs, hamburgers, steaks... etc. And if the cowboy lost, we would have no hot dogs to dip in our newly elected ketchup, no hamburgers to put our highly touted catsup on, and no steaks to dip into our 57 sauce. While bums sat on street corners drinking catchup out of paper bag wrapped glass bottles, cows would begin to overrun the streets; massive chips (and not the kettle cooked kind...mmmm...kettle cooked) would begin to clog our streets. Soon the cows would begin to take over the world. People would be drinking so much ketchup, their skin would begin to take on a reddish pigment; prompting the numerous bulls of the now massive herds to charge without warning. Millions of deaths occur in only a few months. It could be the end of the world...

What is the lesson here? If we vote for the Cowboy, we lose a condiment and Mustard and Miracle Whip get the market share they so justly deserve, and experience the insignificant demise of some sport I don't even remember. If we vote for the Ketchup...It could be the end of civilization as we know it. My friends, I think the choice is simple.